Dad jokes and humor

[Bruce]

I might not be the best dad in the world, but I was born for dad jokes. Gotta start documenting.

Dad, what's circular reasoning?
It' reasoning that circulates.
What is reasoning that circulates?
Circular reasoning.

[Abdul Alhazred]

"Eat your spinach or your eyeballs will fall out."

At five years old (liking spinach but aware of the stereotype) I thought it was screamingly funny.

But it sure got a rise out of Mom.

[shemp]

"Hey you, pull up a couple of chairs and sit down!"

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"Did you bring your lunch or did you come in the back door?"

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Man gets on a bus with a banana in his ear. Driver says "Hey, you've got a banana in your ear!" "What?" "I said you've got a banana in your ear!" "What?" "You've got a banana in your ear!!!!" "I can't hear you, I've got a banana in my ear!"

[Bruce]

Pay attention, son. You have to remember to cross your eyes and dot your tees. If you rush like that you'll get those reversed.

[robinson]

A weasel walks into the bar. The bartender says wow! In all my years bar tending I’ve never seen a weasel in a bar before. What can I get for you?


























Pop, goes the weasel.

[sparks]

Pull my finger.

[Anaxagoras]

[Rob Lister]

It took a while.

[Anaxagoras]

Don't want to ruin it or anything, but:

Spoiler:

A common dad joke:
Kid: Dad, I'm hungry!
Dad: Hi Hungry, I'm Dad!
Kid:

Or, could be anything. Dad, I'm sleepy/tired/cold/hot/bored/whatever.

Like most dad jokes, the only person amused by them is Dad.

[sparks]

They serve to remind the little darlings that they are not the center of the Cosmos.

[Anaxagoras]

[Anaxagoras]

When I was younger, I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body ...

Spoiler:

Then I was born




(All "Your Mom" jokes taken as read.)

[Giz]

My friend tried to cheer me me up. he said “You could be in an underground hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

[Bruce]

My wife left me so I stole her wheelchair.




Guess who came crawling back.

[robinson]

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection.


Except Up.


He's never gonna give you Up.

[Bruce]

Great one from my daughter today.

Brucetta! I need affection!

You need a what?!

Affection!

A.....fection? Just one fection?

....Yes. Not two fections. Not three fections. Just one single, solitary fection.

Ok, daddy. I will bring you a fection.

(She throws a heavy blanket at me)

That was NOT a fection!! That was....

A salt.

[Abdul Alhazred]

A laugh a minute chez Bruce.

[Abdul Alhazred]

[Bruce]

Found this on reddit. Long one, but worth it.

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."

The doctor shrugged, sat down on a stool and yelled out the door, "send in Mrs. Fluffkins!"

In walked a black house cat. The cat jumped onto the examination table, walking carelessly on the unresponsive body of the woman's husband, the cat swatted at the man's face a few times, then jumped off the table, meowed twice and walked out of the room.

"Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Walter!"

In walked a Labrador retriever, the dog walked over to the woman's husband, smelled his hand which was dangling from the table. The dog turned to the doctor, his big expressive eyes raised up to meet the doctor's gaze, then the dog shook his head and walked out of the room.

"Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Collin!"

Suddenly a towering Aussie in safari gear burst into the room. A pair of binoculars hung from a strap around his neck. He pulled them up to his eyes, looked at the husband for a second, then turned to the old woman and yelled, "OY CUNT YA HUSBANDS FUCKIN' DEAD" and walked out of the room.

"Thank you Collin," said the doctor, making a note on his clipboard, then yelled down the hall "Ma'am can you come in here?"

A elderly woman walked slowly into the room, peered through her thick glasses at the body of the husband on the exam table, shook her head, then sat down at a typewriter in the corner, clacked away at the keys for a few seconds. Ding. She pulled a card out of the typewriter, and handed it to the doctor.

The doctor looked at the card, "Dead. Thank you ma'am, that'll be all."

The doctor suddenly hopped up from his stool. He picked the stool up by the legs and swung it over his head, crashing the seat down on the body of the husband. The husband's lifeless body flailed under the impact, then settled back to rest on the table. The doctor set the stool down, then jotted something on his clipboard.

"I'm sorry to inform you that your husband is definitely dead." He handed her a piece of paper detailing the test results. "Take this to the front desk and they'll check you out."

The old woman took the slip of paper to the front desk.

The receptionist looked it over, and giving the old woman a sad look said, "I'm sorry for your loss. That will be $32,000."

"32 THOUSAND DOLLARS?!?!? That can't possibly be right, I've never paid that much to see the doctor."

The receptionist looked over the paper again, "Well it's $100 copay for the doctors visit, but then it shows you also requested a cat scan, a lab report, a Collin-oscopy, a ma'am-ogram, and a stool analysis."

[Witness]

https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments ... octor_the/

Bruce, judging from your posts you are naturally and spontaneously hundred times more witty and subtle than this drivel.

And neglecting to use the url tags has unintended consequences. This site is too sophisticated!