Dad jokes and humor

Bruce · Post by **Bruce** » Mon Apr 16, 2018 12:20 pm

I might not be the best dad in the world, but I was born for dad jokes. Gotta start documenting.

Dad, what's circular reasoning?
It' reasoning that circulates.
What is reasoning that circulates?
Circular reasoning.

:doglaugh:

shemp · Post by **shemp** » Tue Apr 17, 2018 3:06 am

"Hey you, pull up a couple of chairs and sit down!"

--------------------------------------------------------------

"Did you bring your lunch or did you come in the back door?"

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Man gets on a bus with a banana in his ear. Driver says "Hey, you've got a banana in your ear!" "What?" "I said you've got a banana in your ear!" "What?" "You've got a banana in your ear!!!!" "I can't hear you, I've got a banana in my ear!"

Bruce · Post by **Bruce** » Tue Apr 17, 2018 4:11 am

Pay attention, son. You have to remember to cross your eyes and dot your tees. If you rush like that you'll get those reversed.

robinson · Post by **robinson** » Tue Apr 17, 2018 4:25 pm

A weasel walks into the bar. The bartender says wow! In all my years bar tending I’ve never seen a weasel in a bar before. What can I get for you?

Pop, goes the weasel.

sparks · Post by **sparks** » Tue Apr 17, 2018 8:44 pm

Pull my finger.

Anaxagoras · Post by **Anaxagoras** » Wed Feb 13, 2019 1:12 pm

Rob Lister · Post by **Rob Lister** » Wed Feb 13, 2019 1:47 pm

Anaxagoras wrote: ↑Wed Feb 13, 2019 1:12 pm

It took a while.

Anaxagoras · Post by **Anaxagoras** » Wed Feb 13, 2019 2:34 pm

Don't want to ruin it or anything, but:

Spoiler:

sparks · Post by **sparks** » Wed Feb 13, 2019 6:46 pm

They serve to remind the little darlings that they are not the center of the Cosmos.

Anaxagoras · Post by **Anaxagoras** » Thu May 09, 2019 11:58 am

Anaxagoras · Post by **Anaxagoras** » Wed May 22, 2019 2:05 pm

When I was younger, I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body ...

Spoiler:

Giz · Post by **Giz** » Thu May 23, 2019 9:05 pm

My friend tried to cheer me me up. he said “You could be in an underground hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Bruce · Post by **Bruce** » Fri May 24, 2019 2:16 am

My wife left me so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

robinson · Post by **robinson** » Tue May 28, 2019 7:32 am

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection.

Except Up.

He's never gonna give you Up.

Bruce · Post by **Bruce** » Fri May 31, 2019 11:56 pm

Great one from my daughter today.

Brucetta! I need affection!

You need a what?!

Affection!

A.....fection? Just one fection?

....Yes. Not two fections. Not three fections. Just one single, solitary fection.

Ok, daddy. I will bring you a fection.

(She throws a heavy blanket at me)

That was NOT a fection!! That was....

A salt.

Bruce · Post by **Bruce** » Tue Aug 20, 2019 2:25 am

Found this on reddit. Long one, but worth it.

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."

The doctor shrugged, sat down on a stool and yelled out the door, "send in Mrs. Fluffkins!"

In walked a black house cat. The cat jumped onto the examination table, walking carelessly on the unresponsive body of the woman's husband, the cat swatted at the man's face a few times, then jumped off the table, meowed twice and walked out of the room.

"Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Walter!"

In walked a Labrador retriever, the dog walked over to the woman's husband, smelled his hand which was dangling from the table. The dog turned to the doctor, his big expressive eyes raised up to meet the doctor's gaze, then the dog shook his head and walked out of the room.

"Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Collin!"

Suddenly a towering Aussie in safari gear burst into the room. A pair of binoculars hung from a strap around his neck. He pulled them up to his eyes, looked at the husband for a second, then turned to the old woman and yelled, "OY CUNT YA HUSBANDS FUCKIN' DEAD" and walked out of the room.

"Thank you Collin," said the doctor, making a note on his clipboard, then yelled down the hall "Ma'am can you come in here?"

A elderly woman walked slowly into the room, peered through her thick glasses at the body of the husband on the exam table, shook her head, then sat down at a typewriter in the corner, clacked away at the keys for a few seconds. Ding. She pulled a card out of the typewriter, and handed it to the doctor.

The doctor looked at the card, "Dead. Thank you ma'am, that'll be all."

The doctor suddenly hopped up from his stool. He picked the stool up by the legs and swung it over his head, crashing the seat down on the body of the husband. The husband's lifeless body flailed under the impact, then settled back to rest on the table. The doctor set the stool down, then jotted something on his clipboard.

"I'm sorry to inform you that your husband is definitely dead." He handed her a piece of paper detailing the test results. "Take this to the front desk and they'll check you out."

The old woman took the slip of paper to the front desk.

The receptionist looked it over, and giving the old woman a sad look said, "I'm sorry for your loss. That will be $32,000."

"32 THOUSAND DOLLARS?!?!? That can't possibly be right, I've never paid that much to see the doctor."

The receptionist looked over the paper again, "Well it's $100 copay for the doctors visit, but then it shows you also requested a cat scan, a lab report, a Collin-oscopy, a ma'am-ogram, and a stool analysis."

Witness · Post by **Witness** » Tue Aug 20, 2019 2:42 am

Bruce wrote: ↑Tue Aug 20, 2019 2:25 am https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments ... octor_the/

Bruce, judging from your posts you are naturally and spontaneously hundred times more witty and subtle than this drivel.

And neglecting to use the url tags has unintended consequences. This site is too sophisticated!

Giz · Post by **Giz** » Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:47 pm

Abdul Alhazred wrote: ↑Tue Aug 20, 2019 3:18 am Reddit?

If you were born after 1945 then you were literally named after Hitler.

Haven’t seen that one before- nice

ceptimus · Post by **ceptimus** » Tue Aug 20, 2019 10:20 pm

To be a horse rider, or not to be a horse rider: that is equestrianism.

Reported as one of the runner-up jokes from this year's Edinburgh Fringe.

Doctor X · Post by **Doctor X** » Mon Aug 26, 2019 4:15 am

The Fringe is getting slack.

–J.D.

Anaxagoras · Post by **Anaxagoras** » Thu Aug 29, 2019 9:07 am

"I have some good news and some bad news for you."

~Schrodinger's vet

robinson · Post by **robinson** » Thu Aug 29, 2019 11:31 pm

The vet came in holding my dog.

He said "I have to put him down"

"What?" I cried out. "Why"

He's really heavy

Giz · Post by **Giz** » Fri Aug 30, 2019 12:29 am

Ah, tommy Cooper!

For the benefit of non-brits a collection of his offerings (the finest “dad jokes”)!

http://www.mkccc.com/humour/t.htm

Anaxagoras · Post by **Anaxagoras** » Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:34 am

Yeah, those are some corny jokes.

The meta-joke is that the jokes are so bad.

Doctor X · Post by **Doctor X** » Fri Aug 30, 2019 6:48 am

–J.D.

Rob Lister · Post by **Rob Lister** » Sat Aug 31, 2019 10:10 am

The shortest distance between two jokes is a straight line.

Anaxagoras · Post by **Anaxagoras** » Sun Oct 20, 2019 5:11 am

What do you get if you divide a pumpkin's circumference by its diameter?

Spoiler:

Lay that one on your kids when you carve the jack-o-lanterns.

ceptimus · Post by **ceptimus** » Sun Oct 20, 2019 6:42 pm

How do you get a bunch of Pikachu onto a bus?

Spoiler:

Bruce · Post by **Bruce** » Fri Nov 15, 2019 3:12 am

He's too old to be called The Boy anymore. I shall call him Boy-Man. Someday, he will graduate to Man-Boy. Anyway, I blind-sided hin with a dad joke today. He has an essay due tomorrow on the fall of the Roman Empire.

Boyman! You have an essay due tomorrow!

I know.

Tell me what you know about the fall of the Roman Empire.

Oh.....uh.....it started with....uh....

WRONG! It was after the summer of the Roman Empire and before the Winter of the Roman Empire.

Pyrrho · Post by **Pyrrho** » Sat Nov 16, 2019 1:32 pm

Anaxagoras · Post by **Anaxagoras** » Sun Dec 15, 2019 1:42 am

Why did Stalin only write in lower case letters?

Spoiler:

Doctor X · Post by **Doctor X** » Sun Dec 15, 2019 5:34 am

What a country!

– J.D.

Bruce · Post by **Bruce** » Sun Mar 29, 2020 2:31 pm

Have you ever found your own niche?

What's a niche?

It's.....like......a girl nephew.

Bruce · Post by **Bruce** » Sun Apr 05, 2020 2:53 am

Is this your step ladder?

Yes..........I.......I never knew my real ladder.

Anaxagoras · Post by **Anaxagoras** » Wed Oct 07, 2020 12:01 pm

Why did Chewbacca crash the Millennium Falcon the first time he flew it?

Spoiler:

Rob Lister · Post by **Rob Lister** » Wed Oct 07, 2020 6:20 pm

Anaxagoras wrote: ↑Wed Oct 07, 2020 12:01 pm Why did Chewbacca crash the Millennium Falcon the first time he flew it?
Spoiler:
It was a Wookiee mistake.

I had to thumbs up you to thumbs down you.

DJ · Post by DJ » Wed Oct 07, 2020 6:31 pm

Rob Lister wrote: ↑Wed Oct 07, 2020 6:20 pm
Anaxagoras wrote: ↑Wed Oct 07, 2020 12:01 pm Why did Chewbacca crash the Millennium Falcon the first time he flew it?
Spoiler:
It was a Wookiee mistake.

I had to thumbs up you to thumbs down you.

There’s no boo button, which would be useful, but it was, after all, a dad joke.

Anaxagoras · Post by **Anaxagoras** » Fri Oct 16, 2020 12:17 am

Anaxagoras · Post by **Anaxagoras** » Mon Nov 30, 2020 11:49 pm

robinson · Post by **robinson** » Wed Dec 09, 2020 3:37 pm