Urgent! Help Required for a Pagan.

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asthmatic camel
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Urgent! Help Required for a Pagan.

Post by asthmatic camel » Mon Apr 22, 2019 6:23 pm

OK, as some of you may know, I volunteer at the local country park/nature reserve.

One of my colleagues is leaving this week to live in a mud hut with a load of pagan hippies on a commune in Wales.

He's a nice lad who plays the ocarina.

We've already sorted him out with a bike, courtesy of Men In Sheds.

And I've donated a pair of ed's fag-o-cycle bicycle lanterns...

Image

...yet I can't decide quite what to give him as a final retirement present.

What are your suggestions?

A DIY Coffee Enema Kit?

What?

I despair.

:(
Shit happens. The older you get, the more often shit happens. So you have to try not to give a shit even when you do. Because, if you give too many shits, you've created your own shit creek and there's no way out other than swimming through the shit. Oh, and fuck.

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ed
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Re: Urgent! Help Required for a Pagan.

Post by ed » Mon Apr 22, 2019 6:47 pm

Assume that I have delivered the requisite jokes.

How about something like this
Image

https://www.preparedplanet.com/original ... HsQAvD_BwE

Seed Vault Seed List* oz. count
Beans: Slenderette Bush
Beets: Early Wonder
Broccoli: Green Sprouting
Brussels Sprouts: Long Island
Cabbage: Golden Acre
Cabbage: Copenhagen Market
Cantaloupe: Top Mark
Carrots: Danvers
Corn: Stowells
Cucumber: Straight Eight
Kale: Blue Scotch
Lettuce: Bibb
Lettuce: Black Seeded
Lettuce: Parris Island Cos
Mustard: Southern Giant
Oats: Cayuse
Onion: Yellow Sweet Spanish
Peas: Alaska
Pepper: California Wonder
Pumpkin: Sugar Pie
Radish: Cherry Belle
Spinach: Bloomsdale
Squash: Grey Zucchini
Squash: Waltham Butternut
Swiss Chard: White Ribbed
Tomato: Beefsteak
Tomato: Roma
Turnip: Shogoin
Watermelon: Jubilee
Wheat: Hard Red Winter 4

If somebody gave me something liker this I'd kick him in the nuts but your guy might like it. Not the nut kick, the seeds.
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gnome
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Re: Urgent! Help Required for a Pagan.

Post by gnome » Mon Apr 22, 2019 11:45 pm

Just tell him the nut kick releases toxins.

But actually, if planting were a hobby of mine, I'd consider that "vault" a very thoughtful gift.
"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor. Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo! (Beat) Unless it's a farm!"
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Witness
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Re: Urgent! Help Required for a Pagan.

Post by Witness » Mon Apr 22, 2019 11:57 pm

A good single malt.

Will be worth more than gold when society finally crumbles. :|

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asthmatic camel
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Re: Urgent! Help Required for a Pagan.

Post by asthmatic camel » Tue Apr 23, 2019 5:34 am

Witness wrote:
Mon Apr 22, 2019 11:57 pm
A good single malt.

Will be worth more than gold when society finally crumbles. :|
That was my first thought, Witness.

And then, I thought about a pocket-sized chromatic harmonica. Whilst rooting through my collection, I encountered my authentic Russian Chomus, still in mint condition in its hand-stitched leather case. Problem solved!

So, it's a Russian Jew's Harp and a bottle of Scotch to keep him warm while he's dancing naked at the Sabbats in dank, wet Wales. :)

(Ed's idea is a good one, but it wouldn't arrive in time. And it seems that they survive by eating dandelions and rats, anyway.)

Image
Shit happens. The older you get, the more often shit happens. So you have to try not to give a shit even when you do. Because, if you give too many shits, you've created your own shit creek and there's no way out other than swimming through the shit. Oh, and fuck.

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ed
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Re: Urgent! Help Required for a Pagan.

Post by ed » Tue Apr 23, 2019 1:02 pm

Not to put too fine a point on it but you could have bought seeds from the spice section and put in some grass seeds and whatever and photoshopped a label and have been good to go. As they say "a nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse".
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Bruce
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Re: Urgent! Help Required for a Pagan.

Post by Bruce » Wed Apr 24, 2019 2:15 am



When you buy it, just say it's for a friend. Tell them Bruce sent you, and you'll get a discount.
Such potential!

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Doctor X
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Re: Urgent! Help Required for a Pagan.

Post by Doctor X » Wed Apr 24, 2019 2:28 am

When he said he wanted tea bags. . . .

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Witness
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Re: Urgent! Help Required for a Pagan.

Post by Witness » Wed Apr 24, 2019 3:21 am

asthmatic camel wrote:
Tue Apr 23, 2019 5:34 am
That was my first thought, Witness.

And then, I thought about a pocket-sized chromatic harmonica. Whilst rooting through my collection, I encountered my authentic Russian Chomus, still in mint condition in its hand-stitched leather case. Problem solved!

So, it's a Russian Jew's Harp and a bottle of Scotch to keep him warm while he's dancing naked at the Sabbats in dank, wet Wales. :)
You are a wise and kind man (unlike me, who am a hard boiled cynic :| ). Have some music:



:wink:

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Fid
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Re: Urgent! Help Required for a Pagan.

Post by Fid » Wed Apr 24, 2019 3:12 pm

"Truck Nuts" tm

Why is there no penis?


Because the dick is driving.
"Try SCE to AUX."
Yeah, me and an electrified atmosphere ain't friends.