The movie trailer thread

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gnome
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Re: The movie trailer thread

Post by gnome » Sat Sep 08, 2012 8:38 pm

Ok finally taking a stab at it.

-----

View of a solitary confinement prison cell, but which somehow has natural light coming in from an absurdly tall ceiling. Chained against a wall we find JASON STATHAM.

The door opens, some guards enter first, followed by SIMON BAKER in a business suit. He wipes his cuff a little and approaches Statham with all the false confidence of a child taunting a vicious dog at the end of its tie line.

Simon isn't here to taunt, though. He looks around. "Place could use some decoration," he observes, then finally addresses Jason. "How'd you like to get out of here? More importantly, how'd you like to get back to work one more time? You miss it, don't you?"

Jason looks up (Kubrick stare) but all the menace suddenly is hidden behind an incredibly affable smile for a man chained up for the safety of others.

Under Simon's direction, Jason is cleaned up, dressed into a stylish suit himself (someone clearly already found out his measurements) and left alone to a pretty good meal.

The prisoner is led from the complex, still surrounded by guards, to a waiting limosine. Simon Baker gets in on the other side, bantering one-sidedly as if they were buddies. A guard offers him an uncertain look, but he waves him off. Loud enough for Jason to hear, "I'll be fine. I'm his new best friend. Isn't that right?" he nudges Jason.

Jason shoots him a look, and Simon exhibits nervousness for the first time, then laughs it off. "I'll be fine," he repeats firmly.

The limosine drives along. At first the window to the driver's area is closed off. Simon grabs a bottle of champagne, takes out two glasses, and offers the bottle to Jason first. Jason mutters in a bored voice "Sure, why not." and simply takes the bottle.

Before Simon can figure out what to do about that, the window slides down. You only see the back of the driver and the passenger's head. The driver says nothing, and the unknown passenger talks forward.

"Good evening, sir. I trust my associate has seen to your needs?"

Simon looks over towards Jason with a clear expectation of hearing no complaints. Jason says "Yeah. He's my new best friend."

"Very good," says the mysterious figure. "I'll get right to business. I am a man of certain... influence, and I have arranged that you may remain a free man, with a full pardon of all your crimes, if you can perform a service for me. I have a problem that I need you to solve."

He finally turns, and his face enters the light--it is DAVID CASSIDY. He says, "I want you to bring me the head of Justin Bieber."

Jason remains silent for a few moments, and says, "That's it... just him."

David says "Just him. My associate has all the necessary paperwork for your pardon. Which, of course, I shall release once you have completed your task."

Jason looks over towards Simon. "And I'll receive clemency for all crimes?"

Simon amends, "All crimes, up until this agreement. This has to be done cleanly."

David says, "Indeed, that is the deal I offer."

Simon hands Jason the paperwork, which he studies carefully. He nods here and there.

Jason suddenly reaches over and twists Simon Baker's head, breaking his neck in the space of a moment. He lets him fall back lifelessly into his seat, and says "I accept."

Justin Beiber's face appears, and crosshairs zero in on it.

Voice-over: "The hunt begins this October."
"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor. Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo! (Beat) Unless it's a farm!"
--Soldier, TF2

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gnome
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Re: The movie trailer thread

Post by gnome » Sat Sep 08, 2012 8:52 pm

Oh! Need another movie:

"Mars Vacation"
"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor. Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo! (Beat) Unless it's a farm!"
--Soldier, TF2

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gnome
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Re: The movie trailer thread

Post by gnome » Wed Sep 10, 2014 2:05 pm

Anyone...? Anyone...? Fry...?
"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor. Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo! (Beat) Unless it's a farm!"
--Soldier, TF2

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Nyarlathotep
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Re: The movie trailer thread

Post by Nyarlathotep » Fri Sep 12, 2014 3:12 pm

I am thinking of something
The Luggage said nothing, but louder this time.

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gnome
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Re: The movie trailer thread

Post by gnome » Fri Sep 19, 2014 12:44 pm

Image
"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor. Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo! (Beat) Unless it's a farm!"
--Soldier, TF2

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Nyarlathotep
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Re: The movie trailer thread

Post by Nyarlathotep » Thu Nov 20, 2014 4:21 am

gnome wrote:Oh! Need another movie:

"Mars Vacation"
In a world....where humans have reached the stars and routinely vacation throughout the solar system, one family is excited to visit the most exclusive spa on Mars.

(Cut to the son sitting in a seat on the spaceship looking aghast)

"Dad? Did you read the fine print on this contract?"

(Dad, played by Kevin James, turns around and says)

"No need son. Standard stuff, they're all the same!"

"But Daaaaad, it says we aren't visiting the PLANET Mars. We are visiting Mars, the ancient Roman God of war"

(Family is gathered in front of the space ship doors, luggage in hand. The doors open to reveal a giant muscular Roman Warrior with a sword and a mean look on his face. Standing amid thousands of men from every era of history, fighting)

"Oh shiiiiii......"

Samuel L. Bronkowitz presents Mars' Vacation

Next movie: Micheal Bay's Pride and Prejudice
The Luggage said nothing, but louder this time.

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gnome
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Re: The movie trailer thread

Post by gnome » Mon Jan 19, 2015 12:15 am

Ideas forming... about 40% ready...
"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor. Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo! (Beat) Unless it's a farm!"
--Soldier, TF2

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gnome
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Re: The movie trailer thread

Post by gnome » Thu Jan 14, 2016 2:39 am

Hans Zimmerman soundtrack plays. A shot of a horse-driven carriage rushing down a hilly road at dusk while the driver whips frantically...

(written on screen) "Universal Studios presents"

Multiple women in a sitting room, giggling over the idea of a single man visiting.

A ballroom with multiple couples dancing.

(written on screen) "From the director of Transformers and Armageddon"

"May I have the next dance, Miss Elizabeth?"
"Nay."

(written on screen) "The epic tale you won't want to miss"

*sounds of confused murmuring*

A woman shown looking over a cliff...

*murmuring gets louder, and is revealed to be the audience, jeering at the screen*

Michael Bay voiceover: "What, I can't make a serious drama? All you guys want to watch is the same old shit. FINE, ASSHOLES. Here you go."

A mansion EXPLODES as people walk away from it in slow motion. One is wearing anachronistic sunglasses.

A door opens on Elizabeth shown bent over as she dresses, revealing CLEAVAGE.

The horse-drawn carriage falls off a cliff and EXPLODES.

Flaming letters: PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

Audience: *YAAAAAAAAAY!!!*

Michael Bay: "I quit."

--------------------

Next: "Teenaged Mall Aliens"
"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor. Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo! (Beat) Unless it's a farm!"
--Soldier, TF2

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gnome
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Re: The movie trailer thread

Post by gnome » Sat Apr 23, 2016 2:30 am

Bumping this thread to mention that I saw "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies", and that movie could have been submitted as the response to this instead. Except it was better than your average Michael Bay film.

If anyone's still interested in writing trailers, but doesn't like the title in play, I can cancel it and suggest another.
"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor. Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo! (Beat) Unless it's a farm!"
--Soldier, TF2

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gnome
Posts: 23047
Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2004 12:40 am
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Re: The movie trailer thread

Post by gnome » Mon Oct 28, 2019 3:26 am

Well, come on. Anyone got anything?
"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor. Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo! (Beat) Unless it's a farm!"
--Soldier, TF2

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Abdul Alhazred
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Re: The movie trailer thread

Post by Abdul Alhazred » Mon Oct 28, 2019 11:42 am

It has been decided from on high that henceforward all movies shall suck.



So really this thread should die.
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