## One for Gram's Mom: Apple DoucheBag

The war between wetware and hardware.
Doctor X
Posts: 71170
Joined: Fri Jun 04, 2004 8:09 pm
Title: Collective Messiah

### One for Gram's Mom: Apple DoucheBag

Prologue "Sing, O Muse, the anger of Doctor X"

So . . . my iPod battery has been dying a slow but inexorable death over the last few months. Looking online, out of warranty, battery replacement is ~$80. You can buy a battery for ~$15.

Research shows that brain surgery is easier and more reliable that trying to replace one. Many steps you can, and probably will, get wrong. Also, you must have "special tools" such as a blow-heater to loosen various adhesives. You have to remove old solder. You have to solder the new battery in. Adding up the "special tools" is easily another \$30-50 so you see, quickly, you are not saving shit, especially if the battery you just put in is craptacular.

Friendly Apple Customer Service

So I look into it and discover online that the easiest thing to do is send it in. I notice it takes longer if your iPod was engraved. "Why?" I wonder. I keep getting an error, so I call. LONG story short, I discover that they do NOT replace the battery: they replace your iPod. So they have to engrave it there. Which makes sense, it is actually easier since they have tons of them.

Great.

Thing lasts less than a half hour. As in, if it is powered off, the battery will drain in less than a half hour. So it is as useful as Gram's Mom's chastity diapers.

In the rain.

If it is going to just be that, why not just go to an Apple Store/Genius Bar . . . which is in the city . . . which means a good hour of traffic and crap. "Fine." Either they have one or not. Engrave? Who cares? Something I got when I bought the damn thing from Apple three years ago when it by some strange magic proved cheaper than Amazon.

So I call them.

Summon the Douche Bag:

Sounded fatter than this guy:

Probably also has a neckbeard.

DoucheBag agrees that that is what happens, and I need to make an appointment so they can look at the iPod which they already know everything about since it is registered.

Doctor X "well, do you have replacements?"

DoucheBag "We cannot tell you that."

Doctor X "Why not? If you don't have one, fine, I will come in when you do. Trust me, it is just the battery, but if I show up with a destroyed iPod I know you are not just going to give me a replacement for the battery cost."

DoucheBag "We are first-come-first-serve."

Doctor X "You live here. So you want me to drive in, at some appointed hour, only to find out you do not have one and to come back?"

DoucheBag "We cannot guarantee they will be there since we are first-come-first-serve."

Doctor X "So you do have them!"

DoucheBag "We cannot tell you that."

Doctor X "Why not?"

DoucheBag "We do not discuss our inventory."

Doctor X "So, do you have, like, sudden hordes of people entering who want to buy older iPods rather than brand new ones?!"

DoucheBag "No."

Doctor X "So, if you do not have one, or if you see a line of eager adolescents about to enter to buy up your last hundred, why don't we set up an appointment when you have one, in a day, in a week, in two weeks. If you don't trust my description as only battery failure, then you will simply refuse to replace it for the battery replacement cost."

DoucheBag "We have to look at it."

Doctor X "Look. Trust me that the Ever Helpful Techies who eventually let me get to you agree it is the battery. But if I am wrong, if you find the screen smashed with tire tread marks on the back, you will either tell me to pay for a full replacement or tell me to buy a brand new one. I would not waste either of our time!"

DoucheBag "We do not discuss our inventory."

Doctor X "Let me speak to your manager."

DoucheBag "You can't."

Doctor X "You are telling me you're refusing to put--

DoucheBag "We are not allowed to--"

Doctor X "I AM TALKING! GET ME YOUR MANAGER NOW! Or my next call is to Apple Corporate!"

DoucheBag "Give us your phone number and he will call you within 24 hours."

Doctor X "No, I have been to your store. There are scores of eager myrmidons ready to pounce with iPads to sell you things. Behind them, there are managers. Get me one."

DoucheBag "Give us your phone number and he will call you within 24 hours."

Doctor X "We do not discuss our phone number. You have to make an appointment with me and come to my home so I can look at you."

DoucheBag *hangs up*

"Managing Supervisor Miss Jones!"

So I call Apple Corporate to lodge a complaint.

I feel like donning a "Pack Mac."

I describe the situation. The lady--from Virginia--listens carefully and receptively as I complain about my alleg'd dime Douche Bag. What I mean by that is she does not give Rogerian Affirming Pap like, "I understand Gram's Mom using her dentures would upset you."

Instead, she responds, "he should not have said any of that. May I put you on hold?"

I wait as I contemplate if I get an Androidy Thingy will my Mac try to eat it if I connect it. Should I have this open sore looked at? Why is Princess David pitching on Sunday?

"Hello. We are replacing it for you for free. You should receive the Fed Ex box tomorrow and it should be back before the the end of next week. We are very, very sorry, and we will be talking to the store's management."

--J. "That is 'P' as in 'Pneumonia?'" D.
Mob of the Mean: Free beanie, cattle-prod and Charley Fan Club!
"Doctor X is just treating you the way he treats everyone--as subhuman crap too dumb to breathe in after you breathe out."--Don
DocX: FTW.--sparks
"Doctor X wins again."--Pyrrho
"Never sorry to make a racist Fucktard cry."--His Humble MagNIfIcence
"It was the criticisms of Doc X, actually, that let me see more clearly how far the hypocrisy had gone."--clarsct
"I'd leave it up to Doctor X who has been a benevolent tyrant so far."--Grammatron
"Indeed you are a river to your people.
Shit. That's going to end up in your sig."--Pyrrho
"Try a twelve step program and accept Doctor X as your High Power."--asthmatic camel
"just like Doc X said." --gnome

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Pyrrho
Posts: 27930
Joined: Sat Jun 05, 2004 2:17 am
Title: Man in Black
Location: Division 6

### Re: One for Gram's Mom: Apple DoucheBag

I wonder if I can work that trick with a dead iPad we have at the office.
The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and reflected the light from Venus.

Doctor X
Posts: 71170
Joined: Fri Jun 04, 2004 8:09 pm
Title: Collective Messiah

### Re: One for Gram's Mom: Apple DoucheBag

I can give you the number to the Douche Bag if you do not mind wasting an hour getting rerouted back to the actual store.

Assuming he is still there.

Granted, these I WISH TO REGISTER A COMPLAINT situations remind me of two old Urban Legends/Jokes:
--J.D.
Mob of the Mean: Free beanie, cattle-prod and Charley Fan Club!
"Doctor X is just treating you the way he treats everyone--as subhuman crap too dumb to breathe in after you breathe out."--Don
DocX: FTW.--sparks
"Doctor X wins again."--Pyrrho
"Never sorry to make a racist Fucktard cry."--His Humble MagNIfIcence
"It was the criticisms of Doc X, actually, that let me see more clearly how far the hypocrisy had gone."--clarsct
"I'd leave it up to Doctor X who has been a benevolent tyrant so far."--Grammatron
"Indeed you are a river to your people.
Shit. That's going to end up in your sig."--Pyrrho
"Try a twelve step program and accept Doctor X as your High Power."--asthmatic camel
"just like Doc X said." --gnome

WS CHAMPIONS X4!!!! NBA CHAMPIONS!! Stanley Cup! SB CHAMPIONS X6!!!!!!

gnome
Posts: 22974
Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2004 12:40 am
Location: New Port Richey, FL

### Re: One for Gram's Mom: Apple DoucheBag

Do they not train customer service? This breaks principles I learned my first day of training at my first customer service job.
"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor. Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo! (Beat) Unless it's a farm!"
--Soldier, TF2

gnome
Posts: 22974
Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2004 12:40 am
Location: New Port Richey, FL

### Re: One for Gram's Mom: Apple DoucheBag

It is also possible the store does force them to act that way, and then throws them under a bus when they get a complaint, but that doesn't quite seem as likely.
"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor. Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo! (Beat) Unless it's a farm!"
--Soldier, TF2

Doctor X
Posts: 71170
Joined: Fri Jun 04, 2004 8:09 pm
Title: Collective Messiah

### Re: One for Gram's Mom: Apple DoucheBag

According to Apple Corporate, there was no such rule nor should he have claimed that managers will only call you back "within 24 hours." The lady had no explanation for either of those claims from the Douche Bag.

I understand that the Lowest Level may not have any freedom beyond prearranged responses, which is why you have to talk to managers.

I wondered if it was some weird security thing to prevent stealing, but it is a fucking Apple Store: they have tons of stuff newer and more expensive. I doubt gangs of thieves are casing them to see how many three-year old iPods they have. This is also not the brand new iPhone everyone is waiting in line for, and I am asking them to reserve one for me.

The lady at corporate did not get it either. As she agreed, Douche Bag should have said they they have none and it will take "X days/weeks" in which case I would have used the Snail Mail. Or "we have them but not a lot so you better come in today at _____. So if someone buys them. . . ." Or, finally, "we are using them as door stops. Come by! However, since this is an exchange you need an appointment with our Genius Douche Bags to make sure you are turning in the same iPod and not some rock you found and printed 'I-Pod' on it with a crayon."

--J.D.
Mob of the Mean: Free beanie, cattle-prod and Charley Fan Club!
"Doctor X is just treating you the way he treats everyone--as subhuman crap too dumb to breathe in after you breathe out."--Don
DocX: FTW.--sparks
"Doctor X wins again."--Pyrrho
"Never sorry to make a racist Fucktard cry."--His Humble MagNIfIcence
"It was the criticisms of Doc X, actually, that let me see more clearly how far the hypocrisy had gone."--clarsct
"I'd leave it up to Doctor X who has been a benevolent tyrant so far."--Grammatron
"Indeed you are a river to your people.
Shit. That's going to end up in your sig."--Pyrrho
"Try a twelve step program and accept Doctor X as your High Power."--asthmatic camel
"just like Doc X said." --gnome

WS CHAMPIONS X4!!!! NBA CHAMPIONS!! Stanley Cup! SB CHAMPIONS X6!!!!!!

Doctor X
Posts: 71170
Joined: Fri Jun 04, 2004 8:09 pm
Title: Collective Messiah

### Re: One for Gram's Mom: Apple DoucheBag

--J.D.
Mob of the Mean: Free beanie, cattle-prod and Charley Fan Club!
"Doctor X is just treating you the way he treats everyone--as subhuman crap too dumb to breathe in after you breathe out."--Don
DocX: FTW.--sparks
"Doctor X wins again."--Pyrrho
"Never sorry to make a racist Fucktard cry."--His Humble MagNIfIcence
"It was the criticisms of Doc X, actually, that let me see more clearly how far the hypocrisy had gone."--clarsct
"I'd leave it up to Doctor X who has been a benevolent tyrant so far."--Grammatron
"Indeed you are a river to your people.
Shit. That's going to end up in your sig."--Pyrrho
"Try a twelve step program and accept Doctor X as your High Power."--asthmatic camel
"just like Doc X said." --gnome

WS CHAMPIONS X4!!!! NBA CHAMPIONS!! Stanley Cup! SB CHAMPIONS X6!!!!!!