Movies that SHOULD be remade

[Nyarlathotep]

I know we like to complain about remakes, but I was wondering what movies people think perhaps deserve a remake. Either because the original had the seed of a good movie that got fucked up in execution or even just that you honestly think that a modern update could bring something fresh.

Top of my list is a little piece of cinematic trash called Shockwaves.



It's basically an Aquatic Nazi Zombie movie. I think they had a good idea and had the bones of a decent story. But alas they apparently had the kind of budget that was doubled by the producer chipping in all the spare change in his ashtray and they blew most of the budget they had on about 30 seconds of Peter Cushing in the movie. I think with a real budget and actors who were (with the brief exception of Peter Cushing) not rejects from local community theatre, it could have been a decent horror film instead of the slightly snoozy little film it ended up being.

Any movies anyone else would remake if they could?

[Doctor X]

Tempted to write:

• Casablanca
  The Godfather
  The Holy Grail
  Jaws

but, yeah. There was a period where horror films were more than "Tits! Disembowel a cheerleader! Tits! Guy Keeps Getting Up! Oh noes!" but the budget and effects sort of just do not hold up so much. Oddly enough, Carpenter wanted the Halloween series to be separate stories--yes, Halloween III was intentional, and it was not that bad. Seriously. Dan O'Herlerlylydekurt and anytime a Little Shit gets his head eaten by bugs is a good thing.

Obviously, Carpenter's The Thing is a great example! The People Behind the Jaws franchise were, naturally, disappointed with the first sequel--I did not know dorsal fins can flap in the breeze--and had the idea to end the franchise as an Airplanesque satire. They wanted:

Jaws 3 Humans 0

Could have been epic. Instead. . . .

--J.D.

[ed]

Forbidden Planet
White Heat
the Haunting ... not sure how much it can be improved, some of the dialog sounds off today. The "remake" of some years ago sucked so badly that it will not be mentioned.

[Rob Lister]

Tempted to write:

• Casablanca
  The Godfather
  The Holy Grail
  Jaws

Of those only Jaws could be improved upon. Or they could go back in time and NOT make Godfather III.

[Doctor X]

I am surprised that I forgot:

• Birth of a Nation
  Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom
  Song of the South
  Triumph of Will
  Gigli

--J.D.

[ed]

South Pacific with an all black cast

[Rob Lister]

1984. Subtitle it parenthetically 2024.
Soylent Green.

*** High Noon ***
Let Clint Eastwood direct it.

[Nyarlathotep]

but, yeah. There was a period where horror films were more than "Tits! Disembowel a cheerleader! Tits! Guy Keeps Getting Up! Oh noes!" but the budget and effects sort of just do not hold up so much.

A book I read some time back About how horror movies began to change in the 60s/70s called that "The Monster Problem"

Basically, if you were making a horror film back in the day, you had a conundrum. If you never showed the monster, audiences would feel cheated. But make up and special FX were not really all that good (especially since horror movies tended to be low budget) so the monster usually ended up looking cheesy as hell. The whole gist of that book is how different film makers responded to "The Monster Problem"

Of course, now days you just use CGI, but bad CGI is cheesy too so I guess the problem still exists

[Nyarlathotep]

*** High Noon ***
Let Clint Eastwood direct it.

An Eastwood directed High Noon would be awesome

[Nyarlathotep]

A couple of more recent ones.

The Black Dahlia
The Dark Tower

Both were based on incredibly good books. Both made the baffling decision to detour from the source material straight into Shitsville. Both of them I would like to see adaptations that didn't suck and would be willing to watch if they tried again

[Grammatron]

I think that The Dark Tower could be great but the budget requirements to make it so might not be worth it.

[Nyarlathotep]

Dark Tower would work best as a series, ala Game of Thrones I think

[Grammatron]

Dark Tower would work best as a series, ala Game of Thrones I think

I agree. I think an even better comparison would be West World since it covers a lot of time and space.

[Doctor X]

A book I read some time back About how horror movies began to change in the 60s/70s called that "The Monster Problem"

Funny, both Ridley Scott and Carpenter discussed the problem of "A Man in a Suit." Alien tried to avoid it, but, eventually, it had to have "A Man in a Suit." In his commentary to The Thing, Carpenter discusses with Kurt Russel how he tried very hard to avoid that happening. He dumped a bunch of expensive, detailed, but ultimately FAIL stop-motion--what people did before CGI--because it simply looked stupid. Whatever Ray Harryahasuernderkurt, your stop motion always looked like shit. You know it, and we know it.

Sad reality, no matter how many weeks you spend on just getting the basics of stop motion--like the painting of tiny barrels to match the actual oil drums--it STILL LOOKS FAKE! One of the reasons Carpenter liked Burt Lancaster's Son's script was it could avoid the "Man in a Suit."

Anyways, I was surprised at how bad they adapted Black Dahlia. The only thing interesting was the movie poster. It is, as you know, a fascinating case. Turning fascinating into drek is an achievement I guess.

Heh, with the "Man in the Suit," I am reminded of Kentucky Fried Movie where Howard Da Silva's "Bullshit or Not" claims that Jack the Ripper was the Loch Ness Monster . . . in a suit!



--J.D.