Child's Play...The Remake

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Nyarlathotep
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Child's Play...The Remake

Post by Nyarlathotep » Sat Jun 29, 2019 5:05 am

Just came back from the new Child's Play movie. I wasn't really a fan of the original and remakes tend to suck so I had low expectations going in...and the movie didn't even meet those. It was BAD, really bad. Really, really, really bad. Badder than bad. The original had Chucky's origin as a serial killer used a voodoo spell to transfer his soul to a doll and it was 100 times more plausible than the "Teddy Ruxpin meets Alexa" origin story of this one. I am down 5 IQ points from watching it. I am going to have to read a physics textbook just to get back to where I was today. Thanks, movie.

Did I mention that it was bad? It was bad.

I give it no stars and may God have mercy on the souls of whoever wrote the thing.
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Re: Child's Play...The Remake

Post by Doctor X » Sat Jun 29, 2019 6:52 am

You know they are scraping the bottom of the latrine when they remake Child's Play which was only ever a vehicle for a That Guy to deliver one-liners, then to bring in That Girl . . . no . . . her sister . . . to deliver other one-liners.

Was Pumpkinhead or Rawhead Rex unavailable?

Did those who hold the rights to Xtro demand too many coupons for Hot Topic?

I am one of the few who enjoyed The Carpenter Original The Thing "remake" since the gang tasked with "remaking" it declared: "You don't remake Jaws!" and decided to try to come up with a "what happened at that Swedish [Norwegian--Ed.] base" even if they decided to Ridley Scott it a bit at the end but Without Jesus.

Remaking Halloween? Friday the Thirteenth Part the Fuck You because Fuck You?

What is the point?

Unless someone looks at the Idiot Plot and thinks, "hey, we can do something better with this mess." That does not happen. Funny, two films I enjoy--Terminator and Ginger Snaps--are paradigms of "hey, this is a two-inch plot, but, fuck it, we're gonna try to make a decent movie out of this!" There are other "B-Grade" films where the people involved try to do just that. Heck, the Carpenter Original The Thing was a testimony to it, and I still enjoy listening to the Carpenter Original [Stop it!--Ed.] and Jack Burton commentary to the film. Particularly Carpenter's desire to avoid The Man in a Suit Problem.

Hell, I am one of the two who liked Halloween III since Dan O'Herrlierhlerlydekurt, it was the Carpenter Original Idea of different stories rather than always Dana Carvey, and who does not enjoy Little Shits having their heads eaten from the inside by bugs?

I know! Let us remake Poltergeist! It will be a TABLET or iPhone rather than a television!!

Now I has a sad.

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Re: Child's Play...The Remake

Post by Anaxagoras » Sat Jun 29, 2019 10:34 am

I think Jaws has been remade but under a different name.

The idea seems to be, "let's do Jaws again but with a bigger shark". The latest iteration is called The Meg.
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Re: Child's Play...The Remake

Post by Doctor X » Sun Jun 30, 2019 5:56 am

Well, yeah, but that would be making Jaws another "monster film." It is, but it spent time on real character development and less "t3h b00bs" from the '50s on.

Funnily enough the Japanese Original novel was really not that good. Spielberg was wise to get rid of a lot of crap from it. On the odd chance you do not know or ワイフ様 is keeping your from searching on the interwebs since the "Tentacle Incident":
  • 1. Sex: Brody's wife makes it with Hooper--because . . . reasons. This is a source of conflict on the boat that Quint recognizes.
    2. This the Business We CHOSE!: Mayor We Need Summer Dollars is in hock to the mob. Because . . . reasons. SO HE HAS TO KEEP THE BEACH OPEN!!1!!
    3. Hooper My Ol' Chum: Hooper gets eaten. Originally, that was suppose to happen, but "Bruce" kept failing and they just did not have the time and resources to shoot it effectively. So he gets to swim behind a rock, because sharks cannot smell.
    4. Fuck You Mythbusters: the shark does drown. He basically chokes on Quint on the boat then falls back into the sea with Quint's body still in it.
--J.D.
Mob of the Mean: Free beanie, cattle-prod and Charley Fan Club!
"Doctor X is just treating you the way he treats everyone--as subhuman crap too dumb to breathe in after you breathe out."--Don
DocX: FTW.--sparks
"Doctor X wins again."--Pyrrho
"Never sorry to make a racist Fucktard cry."--His Humble MagNIfIcence
"It was the criticisms of Doc X, actually, that let me see more clearly how far the hypocrisy had gone."--clarsct
"I'd leave it up to Doctor X who has been a benevolent tyrant so far."--Grammatron
"Indeed you are a river to your people.
Shit. That's going to end up in your sig."--Pyrrho
"Try a twelve step program and accept Doctor X as your High Power."--asthmatic camel
"just like Doc X said." --gnome

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Re: Child's Play...The Remake

Post by Nyarlathotep » Tue Jul 02, 2019 4:48 am

Doctor X wrote:
Sat Jun 29, 2019 6:52 am

Hell, I am one of the two who liked Halloween III since Dan O'Herrlierhlerlydekurt, it was the Carpenter Original Idea of different stories rather than always Dana Carvey, and who does not enjoy Little Shits having their heads eaten from the inside by bugs?
Thought of this post when I saw this


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Re: Child's Play...The Remake

Post by Doctor X » Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:15 am

Totally underrated That Guy!

--J.D.
Mob of the Mean: Free beanie, cattle-prod and Charley Fan Club!
"Doctor X is just treating you the way he treats everyone--as subhuman crap too dumb to breathe in after you breathe out."--Don
DocX: FTW.--sparks
"Doctor X wins again."--Pyrrho
"Never sorry to make a racist Fucktard cry."--His Humble MagNIfIcence
"It was the criticisms of Doc X, actually, that let me see more clearly how far the hypocrisy had gone."--clarsct
"I'd leave it up to Doctor X who has been a benevolent tyrant so far."--Grammatron
"Indeed you are a river to your people.
Shit. That's going to end up in your sig."--Pyrrho
"Try a twelve step program and accept Doctor X as your High Power."--asthmatic camel
"just like Doc X said." --gnome

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Re: Child's Play...The Remake

Post by Abdul Alhazred » Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:59 am

If Nyar says a horror movie really really sucks, that means yes it sucks. :)
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Re: Child's Play...The Remake

Post by ed » Tue Jul 02, 2019 1:58 pm

Removes the last vestige of doubt actually.

ETA A bit like the inverse of a Lister recommendation.
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Re: Child's Play...The Remake

Post by Rob Lister » Tue Jul 02, 2019 2:33 pm

Hey! I'm right here! I heard that!

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Re: Child's Play...The Remake

Post by ed » Tue Jul 02, 2019 3:03 pm

Oh, sorry. Didn't see you standing there. :oops:
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Re: Child's Play...The Remake

Post by Abdul Alhazred » Tue Jul 02, 2019 3:23 pm

Rob Lister wrote:
Tue Jul 02, 2019 2:33 pm
Hey! I'm right here! I heard that!
How did you like the remake of Child's Play? :)
Image "If I turn in a sicko, will I get a reward?"

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Re: Child's Play...The Remake

Post by ed » Tue Jul 02, 2019 3:43 pm

"Only thing missing was Tommy Lee Jones"
-- R. Lister
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Re: Child's Play...The Remake

Post by Rob Lister » Tue Jul 02, 2019 3:46 pm

I'm not paying rent this month. Just so you know. But enjoy this instead:

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Re: Child's Play...The Remake

Post by ed » Tue Jul 02, 2019 4:31 pm

101 Airborne?
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Re: Child's Play...The Remake

Post by Nyarlathotep » Wed Jul 03, 2019 1:55 am

A snarky guy and two wisecracking robots couldn't save the thing.

And they made Monster a Go-go at least entertaining

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Re: Child's Play...The Remake

Post by Doctor X » Wed Jul 03, 2019 5:01 am

Wow.

That bad.

--J.D.
Mob of the Mean: Free beanie, cattle-prod and Charley Fan Club!
"Doctor X is just treating you the way he treats everyone--as subhuman crap too dumb to breathe in after you breathe out."--Don
DocX: FTW.--sparks
"Doctor X wins again."--Pyrrho
"Never sorry to make a racist Fucktard cry."--His Humble MagNIfIcence
"It was the criticisms of Doc X, actually, that let me see more clearly how far the hypocrisy had gone."--clarsct
"I'd leave it up to Doctor X who has been a benevolent tyrant so far."--Grammatron
"Indeed you are a river to your people.
Shit. That's going to end up in your sig."--Pyrrho
"Try a twelve step program and accept Doctor X as your High Power."--asthmatic camel
"just like Doc X said." --gnome

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Re: Child's Play...The Remake

Post by Nyarlathotep » Thu Jul 04, 2019 8:21 pm

Funny that Jaws was brought up on this thread.

My favorite local movie house does "Classic movies" a couple of times a week and I watched Jaws there last night. I always like watching classics like that on the big screen when I can. The bigger screen means that I often catch little details that I missed watching these films on TV and watching it in a theater means that I pay more attention to the movie because I don't have cats, the wife, neighbors, my phone, etc distracting me.

Jaws hold up really well, IMO. Sure the hair and clothes place it firmly in the '70s. But the production values...those are pretty good for a movie made in 1975. It also...gasp...fails to neglect characterization. Brody, Hooper and Quint all come across as real people and not cartoons. If it were made today I fear it would have an awesome CGI shark but the characters would have been much flatter.

One of my favorite books on horror cinema (Shock Value) talks at length about "The Monster Problem" that horror films faced in the 70s...the fact that audiences expect to SEE the monster at some point in the film, but if the special effects aren't up to the task the monster will look ludicrous and spoil the mood. The book talks about how various filmmakers handled the problem (i.e. it is no coincidence that the '70s was when 'slasher' films became a thing) and watching Jaws after reading that book, I can appreciate how Spielberg handled it. Often you only knew the shark was there because of a splash of blood on the water, or the bright yellow barrel they harpooned to him speeding across the ocean. I know a lot of that was because Spielberg made this fancy schmancy mechanical shark, which suffered all manner of malfunctions so was hardly ever used...but all in all, it worked out better this way.
Last edited by Nyarlathotep on Fri Jul 05, 2019 12:31 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Child's Play...The Remake

Post by ed » Fri Jul 05, 2019 12:23 am

Nyarlathotep wrote:
Thu Jul 04, 2019 8:21 pm
Funny that Jaws was brought up on this thread.

snip

Jaws hold up really well, IMO. Sure the hair and clothes place it firmly in the '70s. But the production values...those are pretty good for a movie made in 1975. It also...gasp...fails to neglect characterization. Brody, Hooper and Quint all come across as real people and not cartoons. If it were made today I fear it would have an awesome CGI shark but the characters would have been much flatter.
Watched it with the kids last year. Agree, held up amazingly well.


Often you only knew the shark was there because of a splash of blood on the water, or the bright yellow barrel they harpooned to him speeding across the ocean.
The MUSIC!!!!!!!!
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Re: Child's Play...The Remake

Post by Nyarlathotep » Fri Jul 05, 2019 12:26 am

ed wrote:
Fri Jul 05, 2019 12:23 am
Often you only knew the shark was there because of a splash of blood on the water, or the bright yellow barrel they harpooned to him speeding across the ocean.
The MUSIC!!!!!!!!
I have heard that when John Williams first played that music for Spielberg, Spielberg thought he was kidding.

But I can't imagine any other music working for that movie
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Re: Child's Play...The Remake

Post by ed » Fri Jul 05, 2019 12:32 am

Still, to this day. Amazing.
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