lol golf

[RCC: Act II]

I thought I managed to quit forever. Apparently a relapse.

My friend, who is really into it, stopped at a local golf store to pick up a $200 putter.

I bought a set of used wooden woods and a set of 1930 era irons with faux hickory shafts and a bullseye putter. Total cost: $90. Most of my clubs were stolen or sold long ago.

I found my old golf bag, and it had some balls in it. Also a receipt for my last round of golf. The date on it was exactly ten years ago that day.

I then went out and shot a 91 and beat my friend and his space age bullshit equipment by three strokes. Apparently my muscle memory is better than my actual memory. I then upgraded my irons to a set of 70s era Hogan blades. I then shot 81 and beat him by nine.

It bugged him.

[RCC: Act II]

Then I found out only some, not all, my clubs were stolen. Apparently I had a decent driver and a set of irons in my parents basement. Hogan apex edges that are still in good shape minus a few tiny rust spots. I found one of my hogan hybrids but my hogan zero (14 deg) hybrid is gone. That club is an unclub now. I can't even find a mention of it, much less one for sale, anywhere on the interwebs, mostly because no sane person would want such a thing.

I found one company that would build one for me at a reasonable price, so three woods can go fuck themselves.

No putters though. I need to reload the putter collection, but it is really goddamn hard to find a new putter that doesn't have an absurd head or isn't a ping anser knockoff. I like putters to be as bladelike as possible.

I think I'm growing as a person. On 18 I three putted after hitting it to eight feet for eagle on a par 5, and birdie would have broken 80 and left me under par for the back nine. In the old days this would have resulted in self hate. Now I'm more happy about that I was only anywhere near that score because I made every other putt from eight feet and in to save a lot of pars and bogeys. Not a moment of feeling upset.

Still have to ditch the bullseye though. It is just short enough where practicing with it makes my back sore.

[xouper]

I only have one golf story, nowhere near as interesting as yours.

I was skydiving with a buddy and we got slightly off target and landed in the golf course next to the small airport.

Gratuitous details:

We were about to land near a golfer who was about to take a swing when my buddy called out, "Fore!!" which of course caused the golfer to pause and look up at him.

A few seconds later we landed and the golfer asked my buddy, "How do you like skydiving?"

He answered, "Beats the shit out of golf."

At which point I took off running for the fence between me and the safety of the airport.

Moral:

Don't insult someone who has a deadly long-handled "weapon" in his hands.

[RCC: Act II]

The kind of golfer that wouldn't admit that skydiving would be more fun than golf probably can't move fast enough or swing hard enough to be a danger.

I think the "fore!" part is awesome.

[RCC: Act II]

I bought a few putters. You have to have more than one because you have to keep them honest. If a putter starts to assume it's place in the bag it will start messing with you. So you have to give it some time in the basement to reflect on its sins. In extreme cases you have to snap one in half in front of the other putters so they know you mean business. Or for the more kind, give it to someone who sucks at golf so that it never experiences the thrill of putting for birdie again.

Fuck putters.

[RCC: Act II]

I'm more mellow now, so it is more that I understand that changing small things sometimes helps when the putting touch goes away, and changing putters is an easy way to do that. That's not a fun way of putting it though.

[RCC: Act II]

Golf jokes are brutal. I at least know one good lawyer joke. I can't remember a good one about golf.

Him: I wish I could hit the ball further. Any advice?

Me: You are standing too close to it.

Him: You mean that standing closer will let me load up more on my backswing, and produce a more vertical swing plane making it easier to square the face at impact and have a solid weight transfer to my front foot? That makes sense. I was reading a Gary Player article the other day that finishing a swing by walking towards the target is the sign of a good weight shift, and it makes sense that a more upright swing will allow that. But doesn't standing closer increase my risk of taking it back outside the plane and coming over the top?

Me: I meant after you hit it.

Just... awful.

[RCC: Act II]

I mean, you can be funny about golf, but a discrete golf joke is a problem because the venn diagram of golf jokes and dad jokes doesn't give a lot of free space, and what is there is largely taken up by bigots.

[ed]

I played golf exactly once, with a pal in PR.

So we are on the course, me using the set of clubs I got as a retirement gift (HA).

We did4 holes in like an hour. 15 strokes per hole. Horrible.

Anyway, my pal finally connected. Absolutely unexpected. Thing veered off to the right and we heard this sickening sucking impact sound. Then a thud.

Did I mention that there were like 6" iguanas running round the course? Well, there were.

Anyway, my friend yelled "We killed their national animal, lets get out of here"

We did. Then drank. Never went back. Clubs are in the barn. Rusting.

[xouper]

I bought a few putters. You have to have more than one because you have to keep them honest. If a putter starts to assume it's place in the bag it will start messing with you. So you have to give it some time in the basement to reflect on its sins. In extreme cases you have to snap one in half in front of the other putters so they know you mean business. Or for the more kind, give it to someone who sucks at golf so that it never experiences the thrill of putting for birdie again.

I'm more mellow now, so it is more that I understand that changing small things sometimes helps when the putting touch goes away, and changing putters is an easy way to do that. That's not a fun way of putting it though.

This is the kind of quality writing that I enjoy most. Thanks.

You should write a book. Oh wait, you did*. I should buy it.

Golf jokes are brutal. I at least know one good lawyer joke. I can't remember a good one about golf.

Skydiving humor tends to be quite dark. Here's one of my favorites:

Jumpmaster: (In the plane at jump altitude) Don't be nervous. Once we leave the plane, it will all be over in less than four minutes.

First-time jumper: What if the parachute doesn't open?

Jumpmaster: Then it will all be over even sooner.




Edited to add:
__________________________________________
* Footnote: It says here you wrote a book: viewtopic.php?p=877564#p877564 and here: viewtopic.php?p=877592#p877592

[Witness]

Wrote also whisky centered horror stories:

[RCC: Act II]

Shot 77 last time. Didn't really hit anything that well, but the nature of the course was such that it didn't punish my bad shots.

One fun thing was on 18. The front of the green is narrow, like maybe 10 feet, and has sand traps on either side. The pin was in that part of the green.

I pulled my shot to the left, and found myself about 20 yards off the green in some high grass. Not a lot of room to land it and get it to stop.

My friend hit the green and was fifteen feet away. He said something about maybe betting on who would win the hole. I half-joked that while I'd take his money I didn't also want his soul.

So I took a lob wedge, laid the face open so it was basically a garden hoe, and swung as hard as I could, hoping to just barely cut across the bottom of the ball and make it go straight up. I missed, but missed low. The force of the swing displaced enough grass that the grass propelled the ball on my desired trajectory, just not quite as high, and it landed two feet from the pin with no roll.

My startled friend then three putted.

I'm kind of a dick.

[RCC: Act II]

I bought a few putters. You have to have more than one because you have to keep them honest. If a putter starts to assume it's place in the bag it will start messing with you. So you have to give it some time in the basement to reflect on its sins. In extreme cases you have to snap one in half in front of the other putters so they know you mean business. Or for the more kind, give it to someone who sucks at golf so that it never experiences the thrill of putting for birdie again.

I'm more mellow now, so it is more that I understand that changing small things sometimes helps when the putting touch goes away, and changing putters is an easy way to do that. That's not a fun way of putting it though.

This is the kind of quality writing that I enjoy most. Thanks.

You should write a book. Oh wait, you did*. I should buy it.

$.99 on kindle. I keep meaning to pull it but I never seem to get around to it. It sells a copy about every two months and damned if i can even imagine why.

I'm about 70 pages or so in on a similar book based on my early days as a golf hustler. It might actually be something at some point.

Next time I take a look at it I'll post some.

[Witness]

Lol golf…

[RCC: Act II]

Neighborhood golf is the best. An old school blade putter is really good for control when hitting down a street. Basically that, a sand wedge for trouble shots, and a seven iron. Really no point with anything else because pinpoint control is the name of the game as we usually only allowed one lost ball. Plus the whole bag is hard to ditch if the cops show up or you hit someone or break a window. Three clubs are easy to run with and can be stuffed in a garbage can or down a sewer in a pinch.

Obviously, use some old clubs for this. Beyond the possible need to ditch them, a full shot out of gravel can really ding a club.

I think the longest hole we played was from my bedroom to through the north field goal posts of our highschool football field.

About 5 miles, but mostly rural. Playing through town using the city pool as the hole was a bit more eventful.

Being nifty with a wedge is helpful, especially when you use the toilet in a friend's apartment for the hole...

[RCC: Act II]

Another neighborhood golf thing is to use what amounts to golf whiffle balls. You can play in all sorts of goofy places, and it is easy to work a whiffle ball around corners.

A wedge is all that is really needed for this. The ball doesn't fly much more with a bigger club and it harder to control. Plus less fights when you bounce it off someone's head.

Really, the dumbest golf game for money is one we invented when we were still invincible. Two guys stand at each end of a soccer field and trade shots. Hitting it out of bounds gives a point to the opponent. Scoring a goal is two points.

However, that's not the dumb part. After hitting the ball the player must stand still.with both hands on the club while the other shoots. Hitting the player with the ball is 5 points. Feet must remain stationary, and hands must be on the club to avoid batting the ball with the hands. The body can be adjusted, ducking, etc. as needed. If the player moves a foot or takes a hand off the club, that scores 10 points, and if the player takes more than one step or runs away it is 25 points.

Standard bet was a dime a point, but we were young. At a dollar per point it can get real. An official game lasts until there is something better to do or the college chases you off the practice soccer fields for taking divots.

[Witness]

lol golf

[Witness]

Lol golf.

[Witness]

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